To the bastard who stole my bike

First: Fuck You.
Second: I hope you don't live near me, because if I see you riding my bike you will be lucky to see me use the same amount of effort to get it back as you used to steal it. I know you made a trip back to get it after you saw it, because you had to bring the bolt cutters to cut the lock.
Shame on me for using a cheap lock, thanks for pointing that out. Next time I will put a better lock on my bike.
I hope that you stole it so that you could pawn it. Further, I hope you used the $20 that it was worth to buy bread and Peanut Butter to feed your family that is now homeless because the recession and global outsourcing have robbed you of your career. Unfortunately, I am pretty sure that is not the case. I am pretty sure you are just a lazy dick who isn't capable of doing an honest job for honest pay. So you stole my bike for a quick buck.
In the case that you haven't figured it out yet, let me warn you that my back tire was flat; which is the reason I haven't been riding it. I hope you didn't try to ride it and mess up the rim or the tube. That would just make it worth even less to the pawnshop.
Also, the rear shifter is cheap and doesn't align properly between the fifth and sixth gears, so don't force it, just jump from fifth to seventh. It will work fine, though someone of your class would probably just ride it in whatever gear its in, and try to pedal harder to go uphill. Oh, and if you see someone running fast at you, faster than it seems they should be able to run, that would be a good time to learn to shift gears, because I want my bike back asshole.